I am sorry. I am ashamed. I am torn.

Dear friends,

I am sorry. I am ashamed. I am torn.

There are many things in the LDS religion that have left me torn in two. I am a faithful, married in the temple member, yet there is so much that I can't express to others that thrashes around inside of me. I no longer can sit through an endowment session without deep pain at the gender inequality. Relief society pains me. The culture upsets me. And now this.

I know, however, that the core doctrines of the Church are true and eternal. I believe in the plan of salvation, in my Savior Jesus Christ, and in loving Heavenly parents that sent me to Earth to be tested and tried so I might one day become as they are. I see so much potential in individuals within the Church.

But yet. I have friends that are LDS and homosexual. Many friends... and to see the fervor of the BYU students as they tried to deny my friends their rights blatantly to their faces, it really hurt. The Yes of Prop 8 posters plastered about campus, the phone banks, the blog posts. I wrote a letter to the editor of the Daily Universe expressing my anguish and disgust at some of the tactics being used to promote Prop 8 on campus, and received hateful ad hominem attacks demanding me to relinquish my temple recommend and "maybe if my husband served a mission, he should teach me the first discussion about following the prophet" (maybe I served a mission myself, why does my husband have to teach me?!) Nonetheless, these attacks on my faith which I hold so close to my heart, further testified to me the reasons why I can't support Prop 8. Although the Church said we were not to discriminate against gay people, it's exactly what we were doing. I see a clear difference in discrimination and condoning and support behaviors that are contrary to the ultimate goals of the Church to build and strengthen eternal families. Families are essential to the Gospel, but what about the individuals that Heavenly Father loves just as equally that want to create families in a different manner? Should a political system hinder them?

I do not see legalizing same sex marriage as devaluing my marriage to my dear husband. I love him fiercely, just as many homosexual individuals love their partners. Why should they be prohibited from expressing their love and commitment through a marriage covenant when I have that right?

Thank you for the outlet.

Caitlin